Big fan of “The Simpsons” television program and one of the highlights, as fans well know, is the opening scene in which Bart writes the same sentence on the chalk board over and over as punishment. We had to scarf this highly abridged compilation of the best of Bart off the Internet.

• I will not carve gods.
• I will not aim for the head.
• I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
• I saw nothing unusual in the teachers’ lounge.
• This punishment is not boring and pointless.
• I will not prescribe medication.
• I will not bury the new kid.
• I will not teach others to fly.
• A burp is not an answer.
• I will not eat things for money.
• I will not yell “she’s dead” at roll call.
• Goldfish don’t bounce.
• No one is interested in my underpants.
• I will not sell miracle cures.
• I will return the seeing-eye dog.
• I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
• I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
• I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
• Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
• Underwear should be worn on the inside.
• The Christmas pageant does not stink.