A funny take on the academic pecking order shipped to us by Ann Curran, then editor of Carnegie Mellon Magazine.
- Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
- Is more powerful than a locomotive.
- Is faster than a speeding bullet.
- Walks on water.
- Gives policy to God.
The Department Head
- Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
- Is more powerful than a switch engine..
- Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
- Talks with God.
- Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
- Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
- Is faster than a speeding BB.
- Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
- Talks with God if a special request is honored.
The Associate Professor
- Barely clears a quonset hut.
- Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
- Can fire a speeding bullet.
- Swims well.
- Is occasionally addressed by God.
The Assistant Professor
- Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
- Is run over by locomotives.
- Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
- Treads water.
- Talks to animals.
- Climbs walls continually.
- Rides the rails.
- Plays Russian roulette.
- Walks on thin ice.
- Prays a lot.
The Graduate Student
- Runs into buildings.
- Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
- Is not issued ammunition.
- Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
- Talks to walls.
The Undergraduate Student
- Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
- Says “look at the choo-choo.”
- Usually outruns the water from a water pistol.
- Plays in mud puddles.
- Mumbles to himself or herself.
The Department Secretary
- Lifts buildings and walks under them.
- Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
- Catches speeding bullets in his or her teeth and eats them.
- Freezes water with a single glance.
- IS God.