• Just Who Reigns in the Academic Pecking Order?

    by  • December 2, 2011 • On Culture

    A funny take on the academic pecking order shipped to us by Ann Curran, then editor of Carnegie Mellon Magazine.

    The Dean

    • Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
    • Is more powerful than a locomotive.
    • Is faster than a speeding bullet.
    • Walks on water.
    • Gives policy to God.

    The Department Head

    • Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
    • Is more powerful than a switch engine..
    • Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
    • Talks with God.

    The Professor

    • Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
    • Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
    • Is faster than a speeding BB.
    • Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
    • Talks with God if a special request is honored.

    The Associate Professor

    • Barely clears a quonset hut.
    • Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
    • Can fire a speeding bullet.
    • Swims well.
    • Is occasionally addressed by God.

    The Assistant Professor

    • Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
    • Is run over by locomotives.
    • Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
    • Treads water.
    • Talks to animals.

    The Instructor

    • Climbs walls continually.
    • Rides the rails.
    • Plays Russian roulette.
    • Walks on thin ice.
    • Prays a lot.

    The Graduate Student

    • Runs into buildings.
    • Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
    • Is not issued ammunition.
    • Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
    • Talks to walls.

    The Undergraduate Student

    • Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
    • Says “look at the choo-choo.”
    • Usually outruns the water from a water pistol.
    • Plays in mud puddles.
    • Mumbles to himself or herself.

    The Department Secretary

    • Lifts buildings and walks under them.
    • Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
    • Catches speeding bullets in his or her teeth and eats them.
    • Freezes water with a single glance.
    • IS God.