A funny take on the academic pecking order shipped to us by Ann Curran, then editor of Carnegie Mellon Magazine.

The Dean

• Leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
• Is more powerful than a locomotive.
• Is faster than a speeding bullet.
• Walks on water.
• Gives policy to God.

The Department Head

• Leaps short buildings in a single bound.
• Is more powerful than a switch engine..
• Is just as fast as a speeding bullet.
• Talks with God.

The Professor

• Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
• Is almost as powerful as a switch engine.
• Is faster than a speeding BB.
• Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool.
• Talks with God if a special request is honored.

The Associate Professor

• Barely clears a quonset hut.
• Loses tug of war with a locomotive.
• Can fire a speeding bullet.
• Swims well.
• Is occasionally addressed by God.

The Assistant Professor

• Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings.
• Is run over by locomotives.
• Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury.
• Treads water.
• Talks to animals.

The Instructor

• Climbs walls continually.
• Rides the rails.
• Plays Russian roulette.
• Walks on thin ice.
• Prays a lot.

The Graduate Student

• Runs into buildings.
• Recognizes locomotives two out of three times.
• Is not issued ammunition.
• Can stay afloat with a life jacket.
• Talks to walls.

The Undergraduate Student

• Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings.
• Says “look at the choo-choo.”
• Usually outruns the water from a water pistol.
• Plays in mud puddles.
• Mumbles to himself or herself.

The Department Secretary

• Lifts buildings and walks under them.
• Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
• Catches speeding bullets in his or her teeth and eats them.
• Freezes water with a single glance.
• IS God.